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Issue
Eight: Power
Issue Nine: Humor
When I
was younger, I trusted everyone with no thought or hesitation.
I would soon realize that this naive aspect of my
personality would play a major part in a very valuable lesson
I was to learn.
In
the summer of 1997, I met an Australian man online in a chat
room. Gradually we started emailing and having phone
conversations. Before I knew it, I was completely smitten with
his charm. After 6 months of emails and calls, I found myself
saying yes to his proposition of coming to visit me. I
explained to him that before I could completely agree, I would
have to discuss the matter with my sister since we shared an
apartment. After many hours of trying to persuade my sister,
she finally agreed. Even though she was not keen on the idea
of a stranger staying at our apartment, she knew how I felt
and wanted me to be happy. I expressed to her that I trusted
him completely and assured her everything would be fine.
The
day of his arrival I was a complete ball of nerves. I remember
taking two hours to get ready making sure every little hair
was in place and that my clothes were ironed and my makeup was
perfect. As I stood there waiting at the terminal for him to
come through customs, my palms were sweaty and I felt nauseous
from being both excited and nervous at the same time. As he
came through the door I felt my smile spread from ear to ear.
When he looked at me, it felt like we had always known each
other instead of this being our first time laying eyes on each
other in person.
During
his 3-month stay in Los Angeles,
I took him to do a lot of sight-seeing around town. We
also took mini trips to San Diego, Tijuana, San Francisco and
home to Kentucky to
visit my parents. During
our time together, I was enjoying myself immensely. We had
many conversations about us continuing our life together and
me coming back to Australia with him. He told me he was
financially stable that he had a house, car and a job. He said
he would take care of me and I didn’t have to worry about a
thing. His charm
lured me in, along with all of his beautiful promises.
I was completely wrapped up in my emotions for him, I
didn’t really think about what I was sacrificing if I
decided to go to Australia with him. I hastily made the
decision and two weeks before he was scheduled to leave I
purchased a one-way ticket for Melbourne, Australia. The next
two weeks were spent selling what I couldn’t take and
packing the items of clothing that were left.
My sister couldn’t believe what I was doing and
neither could my parents or friends. They all thought I was
insane for not putting more thought into my decision.
But they knew my mind was made up.
My sister arranged for my cousin to move in and take
over my old room.
In
my mind I couldn’t believe that I was actually doing this. I
couldn’t believe I deferred from medical school and quit my
job. It almost seemed as if it were a dream. As the plane
started to take off, I felt a pang of sadness. I was
definitely going to miss my sister most of all. Throughout my
life she has been my best friend and confidant. I would no
longer be able to just knock on her bedroom door if I needed
to talk or go have Vietnamese food together. As all this was
racing through my mind it was as if he knew what I was
thinking and reached over and held my hand for reassurance. I
never questioned that this decision would change my life
forever. During the 18-hour plane ride I experienced a wide
range of emotions. The sadness I experienced during the take
off turned
into excitement when I thought about all the new things I
would encounter. The closer we got to landing in Melbourne I
became nervous and anxious at the thought of meeting his
family and friends. What would they think about me?
I expressed my feelings of concern to him, he turned to
me and gave me a big smile and said, “Trust me, everything will be great.” His voice seemed so confident when he said that; in my heart
I felt that I did trust him.
Upon
arriving in Melbourne, the feelings of nervousness quickly
faded when we were immediately greeted at the terminal by his
brother who was smiling profusely.
I stepped outside the airport, took a deep breath and
let the sun caress my face and a calm feeling seemed to sweep
through my body. His
brother pulled the car around and we loaded all the luggage.
During the drive there was endless chatter in the car.
I couldn’t believe they drove on the opposite side of
the road as we did in America. They were both talking over
each other trying to explain where and what everything was as
we zoomed by. I was in complete awe. We soon arrived in
Lilydale where he lived.
Once
I had gotten myself settled, he started showing me around
Melbourne. We ventured to the dam in Healsville, then onto
downtown Melbourne. Everyday for two weeks straight he took me
somewhere new. We then decided it was time for me to meet his
parents so we rented a car and drove 12 hours to Queensland.
His parents lived in a town called Brisbane. Compared to the
very sticky humid weather in Melbourne, the weather in
Queensland was more tropical and marshy. During our vacation
in Brisbane we stayed at his parents house. At first it was
awkward and I felt a bit timid but after a couple of days we
seemed to get along well. While in Brisbane we did so many
interesting things, I visited a cousin on my Mom’s side of
the family whom I’ve never had any contact with and we went
to some island and I got stung by a blue bottle jellyfish. It
was horrible, my leg became swollen within a matter of minutes
and I could hardly walk. He rushed me to the doctor’s.
It was all very exciting and intriguing.
We stayed in Brisbane for almost 3 weeks before we
decided to go back.
Once
back in Melbourne time seemed to go by quickly. After being in
Australia for three short months he asked me to marry him and
of course I said yes! We decided that since neither one of us
had enough money to have the kind of ceremony we both would
like, we decided to get married by a Celebrant. We asked his
brother and his brother’s girlfriend to be our witnesses.
A
few months after our little wedding we moved into a townhouse
and I got a job in Port Melbourne as a Personal Assistant. I
traveled almost two and a half hours each way to Port
Melbourne. This commute became way too tedious and I began
looking for a closer job. I landed a job in downtown Melbourne
as a Technical Recruiter. Now everything seemed perfect. We
had a new home and I had a job that I was really enthusiastic
about.
After
being married almost a year, we started having problems.
We argued most of the time we were awake. Our main
source of argument always led back to the fact that he was so
controlling and insanely jealous.
Because of his own insecurities, he didn’t trust me.
The more we fought the more I began to resent him. The
smallest thing would cause his jealousy to flare up.
If I wore my hair down, he thought I was trying to
impress someone in the office.
Work functions, which I was required to attend at night
and on certain weekends, were just another excuse for him to
start a fight.
We
lived this way for six months. Finally we discussed many
options and we both decided we wanted to try and work out our
problems and settled on marriage counseling. During our first
counseling session all our resentment and anger from the
previous months surfaced and we couldn’t stop yelling and
screaming. I
think this frightened the counselor. After the session was
over the counselor told us that in her opinion she thought it
would be best if we got divorced.
I think deep down neither one of us was actually
shocked by this statement.
Everything
that was said in the counseling session
was taken to heart by both of us.
We were both so angry when we walked out of the
counselor’s office. I could feel the anger and hostility
just oozing off of him. I dared not look his direction for the
fear of another argument starting.
As I stared out the window of the car, in my mind I
kept hearing him yell at me that he hated me and was sorry he
ever married me. The scariest thing was I felt the same way. I
felt that we rushed into marriage and didn’t put enough
thought into the decision and that now we were both angry and
miserable.
The
arguing progressed during the next month and in the midst of
all the drama I found out I was pregnant. I sat there staring at the doctor when he read me the results
and I swear I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I
couldn’t believe what I was hearing. At that exact moment I
felt completely lost and was really scared. Scared of how he
would react. I
was petrified if I told him he would say that it was a mistake
and would want me to terminate the pregnancy or just decide to
leave me. How should I tell him?
I kept pondering the thought over and over in my head.
Everything between us seemed lost and shattered. I just didn't
know what to do.
It
was now Friday, two weeks since I had found out and I still
hadn't found a way to present the news to him. I went to work
with this haunting my thoughts.
Every Friday after work we had a meeting to discuss the
events of that week and go over the next week’s goals. After
the meeting, a group of co-workers and I sat around talking.
I
arrived home a couple of hours later than usual.
Before I walked in the door I had to prepare myself for
what was in store. I knew he was probably livid because I
forgot to call. As I walked in the door, his questions
started. I was taking off my coat as he screamed, “Where the
hell have you been?! Do
you know what time it is?!” I didn’t reply, and walked
towards the kitchen to start dinner. He followed me saying,
“Didn’t you hear what I asked you?” I replied, “I hear
you and I’m not going to answer you until you stop screaming
at me!” I know
this made him angrier by the expression on his face.
He just stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching me
prepare dinner. I just ignored him. After I put dinner on the
stove, I started to walk upstairs to change clothes. I kept
telling myself that I wasn’t going to let him make this out
to be any bigger than simply forgetting to call home and let
him know. I reached our bedroom and started changing clothes
when he walked into the room.
I
just turned my back as if I didn’t see him there glaring at
me. He came over to me, jerked me around and said, “I want
to know why you’re late.” I explained to him why I was late and he didn’t believe me.
He kept screaming, “Tell me the real reason you were
late!” Things
quickly escalated into a physical argument. I started
screaming at him “That is the reason!! That is the
reason!!” That
phrase caused a light to go off in his head.
He swung back his arm and slapped me hard across the
cheek with the back of his hand.
I was stunned and my ears were ringing.
I was crying so hard I could hardly catch my breath to
say anything.
I
can’t remember details
of what happened next,
but I know limbs were flying. It ended with me cowered
in the corner crying. He stormed out of the bedroom. The next
thing I heard was the front door open and then slam shut. I sat in that corner and cried for about a half an hour. Once
the tears started coming I couldn’t turn them off. I got up
and felt a sudden sharp pain shoot down my side. I was so mad
that I didn’t care at this point. I didn’t care where he
had gone or if he ever came back.
I needed to talk to someone I could trust. I walked
towards the phone and called my sister in Los Angeles.
In between my sobs I
tried to explain what happened.
My sister said, “You don’t need to take that abuse.
You know what you have to do.” I did know what I had
to do.
After
my conversation with my sister, my face was tear streaked and
swollen. I could hardly open my eyes and I was completely
exhausted. I was too scared to leave the bedroom so I locked
the door and put a chair up against the handle. I lay down on
the bed and before I knew it, I was asleep. I woke up the next
morning and as soon as I got up out of bed, I felt a warmth
surge down my leg. I threw the chair out of the way, unlocked
the door and raced for the bathroom. That day I lost my baby,
along with all of my hopes and dreams.
I cursed God for letting this happen and I cursed him
for what he had done to me.
I
called the hospital and they told me to go down to the
emergency room. I showered and got dressed. I crept down the
stairs trying not to make a noise. I didn’t want to wake him
if he was on the couch. I didn’t know what I could say if I
had to explain why I was leaving that early in the morning on
a Saturday. Luckily he was dead asleep and didn’t hear me
leaving. When I returned he was till snoring on the couch.
Just like when I left, I crept slowly and quietly back up the
stairs and into the bedroom. I sat in the armchair staring out
the window. I realized now what had to be done at this point.
The rest of the weekend was spent in silence. I couldn’t
look at him, much less speak to him.
Monday
while at work I spent my lunchtime booking a flight back to
Los Angeles for that Friday.
I also arranged for a freight company to pick up boxes
I was shipping back to the States. That day I gave my boss my
resignation letter. On
the train ride home that evening I kept thinking I would miss
the few friends I had made at work.
When I arrived home from work I acted as normal as I
possibly could and tried my best not to cry and let him know
that he had broken my spirit. I would not give him the
satisfaction.
The
day before I was to leave, I came home from work and announced
that I had gotten fired from my job. To my surprise he
didn’t start a fight. The next morning after he left for
work, I shot out of bed. I only had a couple of hours before
the freight company was to arrive. I packed as much of my
belongings as I could. The time flew by quickly and before I
realized, it was time to leave for the airport.
The only thing I left behind was a note detailing all
the reasons why I was leaving and why I demanded a divorce.
I
cried the entire plane ride back to the States. When I first
arrived back in Los Angeles, the pain and humiliation were
more than I could handle. I fell into depression. I wouldn’t leave my sister’s
apartment and cried endlessly. Depression can cause many
symptoms to occur. I
started noticing clumps hair in the shower and realized that I
had a few bald spots the size of quarters, I also developed
panic and anxiety attacks.
Finally one day, after months of continuing this way, I
woke up. I really opened my eyes and looked at how mentally,
emotionally and physically the whole situation was affecting
me. I couldn’t stand to look in the mirror at myself and if
I let this continue, I would more than likely end up hurting
myself.
Eventually I got a job and started dating and touched base with old friends and even made new ones. It took me a very long time to feel “normal” again. And some days I still struggle with the pain. I’m still working on trusting the new people who come into my life, it’s the hardest step. I find that when I give my trust to someone I allow myself to be vulnerable and that terrifies me. I’ve learned that I gave my trust to him much too quickly and now realize that trust can only be born of long acquaintance and shared experiences. It is a valuable thing to be able to trust someone and to be trusted. Trust should never be given so easily.
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