HOW TO BE A SUPPORTIVE
FRIEND
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I would like to preface my essay by
saying that I am not a mental health professional.
The following are simply some ideas that I’ve learned
from living the human experience for the past 31 years.
I hope that by reading my essay you’ll come up with
some theories of your own.
When a friend is experiencing a problem,
such as having a job on shaky ground, not being on speaking
terms with a brother, or a faltering spiritual belief, it can
be tempting to try to “fix” their life for them and give
advice that you think will help them get through their process
easier. But being
a true, supportive friend isn’t about living someone
else’s life for them or helping them to avoid experiencing
the pain involved in personal growth. Although you may have your friend’s best interests at
heart, the best you can do to really be a supportive friend is
to let them discover their own answers from within.
YOUR JOB IS TO
LISTEN – Most of
the time, your friends simply need a sounding board, a safe
person to share silent dreams and hidden fears, or just to be
allowed to express feelings.
When your friend
calls you in crisis, not knowing how to solve a problem or
wondering how to proceed in life, it is a gift to you that
they feel safe enough to talk to you about their deepest, most
private thoughts. You
are not required to do anything more than listen.
There have been many times in the past
when I was experiencing a personal crisis and thought I was
calling a good friend for them to give me the answers.
What I’ve learned over the past few years is that
just talking out loud to a trusted listener will usually allow
me to hear my own answers that were already there.
Making my thoughts heard, without any feedback, can be
enough for me to know how to proceed. Sometimes the answers
can come to me immediately while on the phone talking to my
friend. Other
times, after sitting with my thoughts about the dilemma and
praying a bit, my intuition kicks in and guides me towards the
most healthy action.
GIVE FEEDBACK
ONLY WHEN ASKED –
When your best friend wants to call her newly ex-boyfriend and
you say “don’t call him, it will only hurt you more
afterwards”, you’re not letting your friend figure out how
to cope with this loss for herself.
If she says , “I want to call him.
Should I call him?
I just don’t know what to do.
Should I call him??! “
The healthy response could be to reflect back to her
your understanding of what she needs to do to discover the
best answer for herself.
You might suggest that she meditate on it, write in her
journal about it, or pray and ask for clarity.
On the other hand, if you see your friend repeatedly
experiencing hurt over the same issue, you could point out
that you see her repeating a pattern and for her life to
change for the better in this area, she needs to handle things
differently this time.
This is something that I went through
last summer when my boyfriend broke up with me.
It was the
first relationship ever in my life , so the beginning of the
letting go process was extremely painful.
I remember most people telling me, directly or
indirectly, not to call my ex-boyfriend that it would only
make me feel worse. I
saw my therapist and she said that she wasn’t going to tell
me whether I should or shouldn’t call him.
She said something to the effect that maybe I need to
call him to further my process.
In the end I did make my own decision to call and felt
extreme pain afterwards.
But I know now that I had to call; it was just part of
my growth to take that action.
IF YOU CAN'T
"BE THERE," BE HONEST – There will be times when you are going through
your own emotional turmoil and have nothing left to give your
friend in need. This
is when you must be honest, even though you might have a fear
that your friend might take it personally.
If the friendship is strong, your friend will respect
you for your truthfulness and the bond between you will grow
even stronger. When you don’t express your true feelings
about not having the energy to listen attentively to someone
else’s problems, not only does it not help your friend, but
it also can cause resentment to build inside of you.
With resentment can come anger and soon you may not be
friends any longer.
It is better to say up front that at the moment you
can’t listen and give your full attention to them because
you’re consumed with your own turmoil.
This is something I have recently
learned in my friendship with a woman who is now the mother of
two young children. There
are times when I’m feeling needy and it makes me extremely
sad that I can’t spend more time with this friend.
When her small children are almost constantly pulling
her away while we’re having a conversation, I get annoyed
sometimes. She
apologizes every time this happens and so I guess I feel
guilty for my resentment.
I do feel very connected to this woman and there are
times when we have very meaningful phone calls.
I do wish we could spend more time together alone
though. So
a few months ago I made my feelings known to her.
I realize that by voicing my feelings the situation
won’t necessarily change the way I want it to.
My friend responded by being grateful for my honesty.
I said that in order to truly be authentic, to be
myself with her, that I had to bring this issue out in the
open with her. She
also said that she believed that honesty, like what I
expressed to her, would only strengthen our friendship.
I feel like I am now moving into increased acceptance
of the nature and the parameters of our friendship.
She’s married with two small children and I am
single; this is the reality of the situation.
As much as I would like to have her “all to myself”
at times, I am learning to accept that this isn’t a
realistic expectation. Then
again, we do share “girl time” now and then.
I guess I am now cherishing this friendship for what it
is, not for how I’d like it to be.
Developing deep and lasting friendships is a challenge. But it is possible when both parties do the work that needs to be done for the friendship to grow and strengthen. One of the most important lessons to learn in being a good friend is to let the other person be who they are and not who you would like them to be. You might see potential in your friend to accomplish great things in her life, but that’s when the focus needs to be turned on yourself. Concentrate on your own hopes and dreams and allow her to have her own. Be there to encourage her to go after what she wants out of life. Having you as part of her support system is enough.
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