Jaime Chambron
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It all started when this THING didn't show up on time. It was late, but not like normal. Normal would be two to three days. This time, it was late by one and a half weeks. At the same time, I developed some unusual bruises on my calves, inner thigh and pelvic regions, and one looked like a blood vessel erupted. More distressingly, I wasn't home in the States, I was in London. Worse yet, I discovered an upsetting a message from my gynecologist on my home office answering machine: "Jaime, nothing to worry about, but we need to have a discussion about your recent pap smear."
The many implications of this message distracted me at work, bringing on the sudden urge to search the web every ten minutes or so for anything and everything relating to the symptoms I'd been having. I searched for "late period" (learned that this is called "amenorrhea") and found all kinds of goodies, including polycistosis and cancerous lesions. I started to think, "Do I have cancer or pre-cancerous lesions?"
Then I became lost in thought about my maternal grandmother's death. She died when I wasn't even one year old, but I had no idea what disease caused her death because I never really asked. I thought she might have died from cancer; did it run in the family and did I happen to get it young?
I always avoid telling my parents anything - they don't want me to worry about them, and I don't want them to worry about me - it's mutual, yes? Yet, after breaking down completely, I just had to know about our family history. I dialed the states, calling my dad at work.
I quizzed him about our family history and then proceeded to tell him about the worrisome message from my doctor regarding my pap smear. Surprisingly, he was very calm and just said, as he normally does, "I hate the doctors - they worry you about nothing. Just follow up, as I am sure nothing is wrong." And then he added, "but make sure you call your mother to let her know what is going on."
Gulp. Call mom and tell her. I couldn't even tell her over the phone that I was dating someone of two months and had resorted to emailing her the information instead. We just don't have that "bond" - I felt smothered by her in recent years, and that pushed me away.
Dad couldn't wait for me to phone her, I guess, because I received an email from her an hour later. She said in her message not to worry and to just get in touch with the doctor.
My real unspoken fear - the one I didn't even admit to myself right away, and especially not my parents - was that I might be pregnant. My visit with the gynecologist had been all about getting the Pill, and the Pap smear nothing more than a mere annoyance. I hadn't started taking the Pill yet, so I was freaking out, thinking that I may have been one of the 5 out of every 100 condom users that received a faulty one.
I couldn't get a hold of the doctor after calling her office numerous times, so I let my mom step-in and take things under control by trying to reach the doctor for me. In the process, I decided to divulge everything to my mom over the phone - my late period, the bruises, sexual behavior, everything.
It actually wasn't too bad to tell my mom everything that was causing me to panic, and best of all she did not freak out. In fact, she was extremely understanding, and at one point told me "Jaime, take the issues one at a time. You'll be fine - if something is wrong, well, you go and get it fixed. Whatever you decide to do to resolve your issues is your choice and I will be one hundred percent behind you." It was a weird, but great, feeling to be able to confide in my mom, and to actually find myself comforted by what she had to say.
Finally my "friend" came about a week later, after I received some TLC from mom while visiting for the holidays. And, when I finally reached my doctor, the news was good: although a slight abnormality showed up on the Pap smear, additional tests came back negative. Basically, I just needed to follow up with her in a few months. In the end, I was fine - holiday stress, job stress, and flying 8 times across 9 time zones within 5 weeks must have been the culprits. Plus, I have a stronger, closer bond with my mom.
As to confirm her feelings, my Mom said to me "You've grown up now, seeing that you were able to confide in me what you did" - and proceeded to cry.
Thanks for helping me grow up in many ways throughout the years, my monthly friend.
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