Surviving Today
by Kristin Montgomery

workshop 
announcement

in issue five
Scintillations
My Final Phone Call
Master Of My Fate
Almost Famous Photographers
Bugs
Cubicle Hell
Breaking Out Of My Cocoon
Letters To My Younger Self 
Boundaries & Walls
Surviving Today
Adventures In Chalking
Books That Changed My Life
Declare What You Are
My Most Brave Moment
Masks of Bravery  
Love And God
Moody Girl

poetry
Vocalizing
Bravery
The Imaginary "You"

afterthoughts
comments from our readers

contributors

take me back
to the cover
to contents page 

in every issue
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future issues
Issue Six: Friendship
Issue Seven: Trust

previous issues
Issue One: Change
Issue Two: Balance
Issue Three: Spring
Issue Four: Goddess

Time and time again, my mom tells me that she thinks I was incredibly brave to pick up and move across the country to San Francisco without knowing a soul there.  Maybe.  Though it was hard at times, I had things to focus on - exploring a new city and a new school, meeting new people, and making a new life for myself. I didn’t feel as if any of that required me to be brave.

But today, it’ll take every ounce of bravery I can muster just to get out of bed and check my e-mail.  I did that easily yesterday, and read an e-mail that broke my heart.  It was from my best friend and the man I’ve been in love with for the past year-and-a-half.  He was cruel. He was brutally honest and intentionally hurtful.  So now I lay in bed, dreading putting my feet on the floor, and facing another emotional day like yesterday.

I spent half of the day crying and the other half convincing myself I was fine. By last night, I was working on a hangover. I couldn’t breathe because I was crying so hard and my eyes were red and puffy. All I could think of was how much I wanted to talk to him — he’s my best friend!

Can I make it through another day like that? Can’t we go back to the time before I fell in love with him?  And the sun outside is pissing me off; why can’t it be rainy and icky out, instead of this bright, perfect day that contrasts so violently with my mood?

If I stay under my covers, I won’t have to see the sun taunting me. I can sleep all day long and ignore my e-mail, not finding other things that might crush my heart.  If I stay in bed, I don’t have to hear the phone ringing with well-intentioned friends calling to check up on me.  I don’t even have to look at the phone that tempts me to call him for reassurance that our friendship can survive this.

But if I don’t get up, I won’t know that I can do it tomorrow.  And I have to do it tomorrow.  If I don’t get up, I won’t get my laundry done, and won’t have any clean clothes to wear to work this week.  If I don’t get up, I won’t begin to recover.  It’ll be easier to spend more days in bed, with the blankets over my head, hiding from life.

In a desperate attempt for guidance, I pulled an Angel Message from my deck last night. It read “They will only beat you if you let them….” I know that if I stay in bed today, then I will be letting “them” beat me.  So, I take a deep breath and gather all my strength and courage to face another day.

I put my feet on the floor and sit on the edge of my bed, fighting the urge to crawl back under the covers. Yet, at the same time, I relish the feeling of the carpet under my feet that welcomes me to the world of the living.  I stand up and walk to my bedroom door, looking back at the bed longingly. I open the door to be confronted by the bright sunlight streaming downstairs.  I force myself up the stairs to the computer room, and sit down at the desk.  Something tells me that if I can get through checking my e-mail then I’ll be one step closer to surviving today.

Good!  No new messages.  No heart breaking e-mails. Now I just need to survive the one I received yesterday.  I can do that, can’t I?  I made it through yesterday, and today can’t be worse than yesterday… can it?

No, I’m sure today will be better.  

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