Declare What You Are
by Alex Beauchamp

workshop 
announcement

in issue five
Scintillations
My Final Phone Call
Master Of My Fate
Almost Famous Photographers
Bugs
Cubicle Hell
Breaking Out Of My Cocoon
Letters To My Younger Self 
Boundaries & Walls
Surviving Today
Adventures In Chalking
Books That Changed My Life
Declare What You Are
My Most Brave Moment
Masks of Bravery  
Love And God
Moody Girl

poetry
Vocalizing
Bravery
The Imaginary "You"

afterthoughts
comments from our readers

contributors

take me back
to the cover
to contents page 

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future issues
Issue Six: Friendship
Issue Seven: Trust

previous issues
Issue One: Change
Issue Two: Balance
Issue Three: Spring
Issue Four: Goddess

One of the hardest things in life isn't to declare what you really are, it's really to be it from the inside out.

As a child and teenager all I did was constantly write - short stories, letters, journals, and snippets on napkins. I wrote so much that I developed a little deformed bump on my finger.  Writing was not only fun for me, but natural.

However, as an adult, I began to write less and less. I felt there wasn't time in the day for it, there wasn't an audience for it, it wasn't practical, and it was silly. Over the years writing began to feel less natural and slowly started to fade far into the background. I began to focus on something practical instead - the Corporate World.

After spending years in the Corporate World I began to feel restless and unhappy. I had the nagging suspicion that I was something more than what I was currently being. The only problem was I didn’t know how to be more because being an Office Girl was all I had ever done. I wanted to leave, but I didn’t know what I wanted to leave "to".

So I kept my corporate job but slowly my mind would start to think of what it was I really loved to do. Everything that I could think of always came back to writing because that’s what made me feel alive and proud.  Writing was my passion. Stapling and collating were not.

Despite the realization I could not give up the security of the 9-5 world. I had so much fear and self-doubt inside of me that I couldn’t figure out how to be anything other than an Office Girl. My mind could only focus on the “can’t do’s” because I wasn’t open enough to think of all the “can do’s.” Although my current job left me feeling empty, angry and unfulfilled, the fear of failing, of being wrong, of perhaps realizing that I’m not a writer, kept me in it.

I realized one day that by being untrue to myself, I was already failing, and failing miserably. What did I have to lose by chasing a dream? The only thing I could think of was nothing.

So I gave up the security of the Corporate World and became a full time freelance writer. 

I thought that simply declaring I was a writer would be the hard part and the rest would be easy. But that’s not how it worked.

As a new writer I wrote a few short stories for some magazines and challenged myself to become published quickly. I thought that being published would prove I was a writer and give me some kind of outside validation. I thought if I was just published, then I wouldn’t have to feel like it was a mistake.

Then, a funny thing happened - I became published. And after being published, life didn’t change overnight, things didn’t become instantaneously easier and I didn’t get a lot of outside validation. Instead I became blocked, my writing slowed down, my inspiration seemed to vanish and I started to feel like something was missing. 

I could feel it, I could sense it, I knew it was there, but I couldn't give it a name and I couldn't figure out exactly what was missing. “I'm a writer!” I would say. “I wrote! I was published! Why isn't this all feeling like enough?” 

The reason why it didn’t feel like enough was because it wasn't. 

I had been looking for someone to validate me, to tell me that I was a writer. I was waiting for that phone call to hand me my dream. But I realized that what was missing was my own validation. I needed to feel that this was right even if others didn’t. I had to be comfortable in my own skin and my own wants. The declaration wasn't enough. I wasn't feeling and living the life of a writer; I wasn’t being real. That was the realization I needed.

So I began to incorporate my writing into my life. By doing so I realized that my passion didn’t just stop at writing, but also included art. I began to buy art that I had always admired and hung it proudly on my walls. I enrolled in an introductory art class so I could learn how to make the art I've always loved but never knew how to create. And I signed up to volunteer at the local art museum giving lectures and information on the art there.

Once I did that, something inside me opened up. The block I had was gone. My writing improved, my moods improved, and my confidence improved. I felt real and I felt I was actually accomplishing something by doing what I wanted to do.

It took me a long time to follow through with my declaration of who I was and even realize what the real declaration was, but the time and effort was more than worth it.

The most important thing, I think, is to ask yourself who you really are, and then to follow through with that declaration. You’ll be amazed at what will happen.

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