workshop 
announcement

in issue five
Scintillations
My Final Phone Call
Master Of My Fate
Almost Famous Photographers
Bugs
Cubicle Hell
Breaking Out Of My Cocoon
Letters To My Younger Self 
Boundaries & Walls
Surviving Today
Adventures In Chalking
Books That Changed My Life
Declare What You Are
My Most Brave Moment
Masks of Bravery  
Love And God
Moody Girl

poetry
Vocalizing
Bravery
The Imaginary "You"

afterthoughts
comments from our readers

contributors

take me back
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future issues
Issue Six: Friendship
Issue Seven: Trust

previous issues
Issue One: Change
Issue Two: Balance
Issue Three: Spring
Issue Four: Goddess

I sit and stare and stare at my computer in my cubicle at my mind-numbing job, in the art department of an industrial equipment and business furniture catalog company, and wonder, ‘why am I still here’?  I am working for corporate America, but after almost three years of bureaucratic bullshit, I know that this is not where I’m supposed to be.

Since I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree in English eight years ago, I’ve tried out numerous careers.  Along the way, I’ve gotten myself fired twice and walked out of a job after being there for only 5.5 hours despite the fact that I would’ve been earning $10,000 more a year than my previous job!

My title is Copywriter, but my job really has been as a proofreader, typist, editor, and occasionally a rewriter of vendor supplied copy for new products in our catalogs.  I am more than a bit frustrated, bored, and burnt-out, yet I don’t know exactly what I’d like to be doing for a living either. 

Since I haven’t had to tax my brain too much while being at this job, I have discovered that I am a creative person who loves to write.  I write in my journal fairly consistently, and by putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper, I’ve allowed myself to see what’s really going on inside my head.  Instead of letting each day just run into the next, even though sometimes it seems like everyday is almost the same, I’m gaining insight into my true identity.  And I’m beginning to really love and accept this person that I’m uncovering. 

Finding my identity and honoring it means doing the things that I like to do and not making sacrifices to please others… as much as I can.  It means going into the city (New York) and listening to live music that I love and not needing to have someone else with me (although part of me still wants this… sometimes).  Being true to me means speaking my truth, for if I don’t speak my mind, I lose my authenticity.

Now that I’m feeling stronger as a person, I’d like to find a fulfilling job, but I still feel pretty clueless as to what it would be.  In the past, I beat myself up for not knowing what I wanted be now that I’m grown up.  Today, I accept that I’m on a journey and that I’ll keep trying on different jobs for size and gain something from each one of them.

I constantly struggle with believing in a higher power and trusting that I’m at my current job for reasons that I’m not supposed to know about.  I’ve heard that God provides us with information on a “need to know basis”.  Well, to be honest part of me feels like "fuck that."  I am really having a hard time trusting or believing that there is a higher power at the moment.

Most of the time I act as if I have a connection and talk to my higher power often.  Sometimes it’s when I feel so fed up with being at my job and I step outside for some air, and cry if I need to let it out, that I ask, “Why am I still at this job that I hate?”  The first answer that comes to me is that I still have lessons to learn and it’s not my time to leave.  I am sick of feeling miserable at my job almost everyday.  It’s time to let go and trust my process.

Having a job that I perceive to be perfect still won’t make my character defects or dysfunctional behavior go away.  As Jon Kabat Zin said, “Wherever you go, there you are.”  Therefore, my real job is to work on my stuff to become the person that I’ve always been inside.  As I continue to do this, I’ll be better equipped to handle my next job.  I realize that right now the work I’m doing on myself is more important than my quest for “the job”.  Letting go of this “perfect job” idea, or ideal, just might allow a new job to come into my world at which I’ll feel more fulfilled.

Surrendering to my present and accepting my life as it is, instead of believing I’d rather be in my ideal future, might be the message that “someone” is trying to tell me.  Maybe, then my time in “Cubicle Hell” won’t seem so hellish.

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