workshop 
announcement

in issue five
Scintillations
My Final Phone Call
Master Of My Fate
Almost Famous Photographers
Bugs
Cubicle Hell
Breaking Out Of My Cocoon
Letters To My Younger Self 
Boundaries & Walls
Surviving Today
Adventures In Chalking
Books That Changed My Life
Declare What You Are
My Most Brave Moment
Masks of Bravery  
Love And God
Moody Girl

poetry
Vocalizing
Bravery
The Imaginary "You"

afterthoughts
comments from our readers

contributors

take me back
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future issues
Issue Six: Friendship
Issue Seven: Trust

previous issues
Issue One: Change
Issue Two: Balance
Issue Three: Spring
Issue Four: Goddess

The sun was bright and shining outside, but inside my head there was an emotional thunderstorm.

Today I will embark on this journey.  I am excited about my trip to Europe, even though I am clouded by fears and insecurities of not measuring up, of failing to be my best, of having an absolutely horrible time.   I keep telling myself “this is the opportunity of a lifetime… you will have the time of your life.”  But no matter how I try to convince myself, my lack of self-confidence leaches through my disguise, and I think,  “I am a fifteen year-old confused high school student, about to embark on a journey half-way across the world alongside thirty-eight people, whom I hardly know. And this is going to work out for me, how?”  I take a deep breath and try to relax my tense muscles. I can’t lose my nerve in the crowded LAX airport, and worst of all I cannot let anyone see my doubts and my fears. I muster up what little confidence and courage I have, gather my suitcase and carry-on and march up to the crowd I shall travel with.  I put on a bold smile hoping to send out a positive and powerful signal of confidence, hiding my fears and worries. 

This physical journey had commenced, and with it I was on the road to personal growth and change.

On the road, I am lost among a pool of forty people, gathered in a tour bus, moving from one beautiful site in Greece to another.  The tour guide has stopped explanations for a while; my newfound friend Jennie slip into a world of our own conversations. Our topic of thought began about the beautiful, blue sky of Greece.  This topic was a careful device I used to prevent progressing into a deeper more revealing discussion. My insecurities are present as I tell Jennie of my past, my hopes and aspirations.  I wonder if she will laugh at my fears, criticize me for my stupidity, and scoff at my unrealistic dreams, as others have done before.  She doesn’t. I continue to reveal my inner self and talk more freely.  I try to hide my lack of self-confidence, my uncertainties, and my weaknesses.  But as the hours pass on this trip, I realize she views me as her equal; I apprehend that I have become her equal as well.  

It had been merely a few days into the trip and already I had begun to grow in character.

In the historic city of Rome, Italy, I am seated around a dinner table with seven young men and women of the delegation. To my surprise, the conversation is not of the usual chitchat about the places we have visited.  Instead we have started a discussion/debate about politics, governmental flaws, and history.  At first, I am intimidated and don’t know what to say. My eyes wander from one animated face to another.  “Why should I be afraid to speak my mind? Are they not my peers? Why should I be fearful of joining in?”  These and dozens of questions race through my head. In a show of confidence, I take a deep breath, sit up straight and face the person who is speaking.  I boldly inquire, “Do you have proof?”  Unafraid to voice my opinions and attack the issues, I am now one of the intensely vivacious bodies at the table.

We have covered three countries in eighteen days, and soon will be on our way to the fourth, and in the meantime my self-esteem has shot to an overwhelming high. I now find myself in Paris. A loud laugh rings out from in front of Planet Hollywood.  It comes from a girl in a bright and colorful jester’s hat, with a chocolate bar in her hand, and surrounded by giggling friends.  That girl is me, and the laugh is mine. It comes from deep within my soul, sounding out from my lips. I am no longer a shy wallflower, afraid of looking weird or goofy or not fitting in.  What a change from a timid and quiet girl to a loud and proud young woman.  I am completely myself around these people, no holds barred. There are no worries of non-acceptance.  This is a huge step from a girl who used to want to please all and be just like everyone.

My motto has become, “I will not pretend to be anyone but me – I am as I am.” (Beisser, n. pag.).          

Our Student Ambassador Delegation now presides along the streets of London. There, a bright eyed, enthusiastic and sociable young woman greets all her friends, and some strangers too, with a big smile.   This vibrant youth is who I have always wished to be, and now finally am.  I am no longer ashamed of my flaws, nor am I afraid of messing up.  I am more at ease with myself than ever before.  Just a short while ago, when walking down the street, in London, I tripped and fell out of the blue.  All my friends started laughing at me.  Instead of turning a humiliating bright shade of red, I stood up, dusted myself off, and laughed until my stomach ached. Europe, the people, and our delegation, are taking part in shaping me, a young woman who now accepts that she is not perfect, that she is allowed to have flaws, to make mistakes, and live life on her terms.  

The end of the journey is upon me.  I walk off the plane at LAX and separate from the group that I had traveled with for the past twenty-one days.  I carry with me confidence, high self-esteem, a vibrant personality, and a bright smile. As I run to hug my mother, who is waiting for me at the gate, I wonder if she will notice any changes in my behavior.  As we walk to the car, I wonder if she will notice how I cannot get this smile off my face and how I cannot stop talking about the trip.  Does she see the new assertive youth shining from within me?

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