by Mike Robbins

in issue four
Scintillations
Purple Bikini
Saraswati
Change In Air
Sarah's Gift
Fairy Chimes
Real Dreams
Xena
Writer?
Younger Self
Fledgling Artiste
Goddess Poetry
No McD's In Cuba
AF Photographers
Goddess On Phone
Moody Girl
Met The Goddess
To My Mother
Life Changing Books
Girl Crushes
Universe Spoke
Visualize This!
Contributors

take me back
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future issues
Issue Five: Bravery
Issue Six: Friendship

previous issues
Issue One: Change
Issue Two: Balance
Issue Three: Spring

So I am sitting here at my desk, trying to figure out what I am going to write about.  It has got to be something deep and meaningful, right?!?  All that seems to come into my head is a list of complaints and insecurities. 

“I don’t know what to say,” “I don’t have enough time,” “This is stupid,” “Let’s face it, I’m a loser,” and other self-defeating internal monologues fill my mind. 

I am really aware of how full of shit I am.  I say that I am a writer – or at least an aspiring writer, but I rarely take the time to write.  I have a lot of justifiable excuses regarding lack of time, money, space, motivation, expertise, inspiration, and more.  The truth is, I am scared.  Scared out of my mind.  I can feel the fear deep in my bones.  Scared of what, though?  I am scared of being found out…terrified that people will see right through my phony exterior and truly know me as the frightened man I pretend not to be.  Will they realize that I do not have it all figured out, that I am making everything up as I go?

It is much easier for me to bitch and moan than it is to actually do it – to sit down, open my head and my heart and just let it flow.  I get so caught up in doing it right, in fact needing to do things right runs much of my life.  I am not sure what I think will happen that will be so terrible if I do something wrong, but it haunts me and impacts my every move.  What other people think is of critical importance.  I need them to like me and to think I am smart, talented, aware, and successful.  This, again, is all to mask the deep-seated fear that other people will realize all the awful things about me that I am so consciously insecure about.

It is a classic catch-22.  I tell myself that I am not good enough to write and I let that get in my way – thus I do not write and I do not give myself the opportunity to become a better writer.  Then I have concrete evidence to prove that my initial inclination (that I am not good enough) is in fact true, and on it goes.  I have this vicious cycle down pretty well in many areas of my life.  I often allow my negative self-talk to keep me from things, to keep me from the actual playing field of life, so to speak.  This simply adds more fuel to the negative fire.  Making things worse, when I realize I am the one actually perpetuating this negative cycle, I feel sorry for myself. 

As I continue to sit here at my desk, staring out the window, hoping for the inspiration to come, I clearly see this trap that I often set up for myself.  It is all a way to stay safe and to not put myself out there.  I get to stay on the sidelines, analyzing and judging myself, instead of taking the risk to put myself on the field and in the game.  It is on that field where life truly happens.  But, there are no guarantees out there.  In order to take that risk, I have to be willing to address those deep fears that I am often afraid to look in the face. 

Yes, I could fail.  I might make mistakes, write the wrong words, offend others with my writing, or even worse, people might actually find out that I do not have it all figured out and that I am scared…so what?  What if I didn’t let this fear stop me?  What if I could let go of my self-absorbed, egotistical insecurity that thinks the whole world is ready to rip me apart if I say or do anything that is not perfect?  Although I do not know exactly how that would look, I clearly see that doing that would allow me to have so much freedom, power, and fun with my writing and in my life!  I would not have to be run by my fear of failure and my obsession with perfection.  I could actually express myself truly and with confidence!