Goddess In A Purple Bikini

by Jodi Helmer

in issue four
Scintillations
Purple Bikini
Saraswati
Change In Air
Sarah's Gift
Fairy Chimes
Real Dreams
Xena
Writer?
Younger Self
Fledgling Artiste
Goddess Poetry
No McD's In Cuba
AF Photographers
Goddess On Phone
Moody Girl
Met The Goddess
To My Mother
Life Changing Books
Girl Crushes
Universe Spoke
Visualize This!
Contributors

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future issues
Issue Five: Bravery
Issue Six: Friendship

previous issues
Issue One: Change
Issue Two: Balance
Issue Three: Spring

As I stood in the grocery store checkout taking items from my cart and placing them on the conveyer belt, I noticed the bright red cover of this month's Cosmopolitan magazine. A feature on "picking the right swimsuit for your body type" caught my eye, and foolishly, before I could comprehend what I was doing, I placed the magazine on the counter, right beside a large bag of spicy nacho Doritos. 

After carrying my groceries up four flights of stairs, I needed a rest and a reward. I picked up the bag of Doritos and the Cosmo, and headed for the couch. I flipped past articles on "How to Please Your Man" and with an upcoming beach vacation in mind, went straight for bathing suit help.  

What I discovered as I began flipping the pages were size 0 models demonstrating what "real" women should look for in a swimsuit. I stared open-mouthed at a model with hips no wider than one of my thighs, showing off a swimsuit meant to camouflage large hips. I kept skimming the pages, continually insulted by what I saw. I resented having to look at these women (who clearly have no trouble with bulging tummies, sagging breasts or large hips) in an article that was supposed to make me feel good about being on the beach in a bikini.

Angry with myself for silently hoping Cosmo could be the answer to my bathing suit woes, I proceeded to the bedroom to dust off last year's bikini. I pulled out the bathing suits I wore on my honeymoon last August, and with all of the courage I could muster, put one on.

Balancing on the edge of the bed to get a good look in the mirror, I took in the figure before me. My "classic hourglass" figure looked out of proportion. I ran my hands over my stomach and turned sideways to contemplate the tiny bulge that had made it's home beneath my belly button.

I touched the daisy tattoo that adorns my left hip and adjusted my bikini bottom. I stared at my image for a long while, not making judgments about what I saw, just looking.

I climbed off the bed, away from the mirror, and stood there thinking for a long while in the middle of my bedroom. I certainly wasn't a size 0 model from the pages of Cosmo. With large breasts, ample hips, a rounded tummy, and curiously tiny waist, I have first-hand knowledge of shopping for a swimsuit meant to camouflage.

My body is not model-perfect. My body is womanly: curvy and strong and full of life.  In my itsy-bitsy purple bikini, I feel sexy, and when I look in the mirror, I see a goddess.