in issue four
Scintillations
Purple Bikini
Saraswati
Change In Air
Sarah's Gift
Fairy Chimes
Real Dreams
Xena
Writer?
Younger Self
Fledgling Artiste
Goddess Poetry
No McD's In Cuba
AF Photographers
Goddess On Phone
Moody Girl
Met The Goddess
To My Mother
Life Changing Books
Girl Crushes
Universe Spoke
Visualize This!
Contributors

take me back
to the cover
to contents page 

in every issue
What Do You Think?
Subscribe To Be Real
Write or Photograph 
For Be Real Magazine

future issues
Issue Five: Bravery
Issue Six: Friendship

previous issues
Issue One: Change
Issue Two: Balance
Issue Three: Spring

Do you remember those old Disney stories?  The ones with both the book and the tape together? When I was six years old I had "The Jungle Book".  It was my prized possession.  I loved reading along with that melodic voice on the tape.  Oh, and those fairy chimes, signaling it was time to turn the page. <ding>  Sometimes I wish life had those bells. ... It's time for you to move on now. <ding>  You have learned this lesson, time to move to the next experience. <ding>  I get stuck in the comfort of familiar situations.  Inevitably I stay in long after it is time for me to leave.  I imagine fairies and spirits around me from time to time ringing those chimes  . . . telling me that it is time to turn the page and move along.

Though I've only been here a few years (this life time), I still feel that I have learned much.  All my experiences have brought me to this place in my life. For so long I have felt that I must always be doing something.  Now I'm spending some time not "doing", but reflecting.  Autopsying my past experiences.  Trying to evaluate what lessons were put in my path in the past and use them here in the now. The more I pay attention to these lessons from the past, the louder the fairy chimes ding in my present. But lately that has not been the case.

Maybe I’m trying to listen too hard. I don’t seem to be getting the message just this minute. To be honest, I threw my hands in the air and asked the Universe to be more direct with me.  I'm not getting the subtle hints it is giving me presently.  I think the fairy chimes are going off; perhaps it is time to turn the page?  Was that a <ding>?  The problem is that I'm not sure what direction to go. 

I have this great cavernous hole within my soul that seems to drown out the sound of the fairies.  I have tried to fill it with so many things.  I know that the only thing that can truly fill me is GOD, Universe, Great Spirit.  Part of me cringes when I say God is the answer. It makes me feel so out of control.  I see images of a senile old man pulling my strings and making every decision for me, like Pinocchio. My guess is that these fears are a throwback to my strict religious upbringing. But other times, quiet times, I feel this overwhelming sense of bliss and wholeness, complete unconditional love. I am connected with everything around me and I know that there is a great purpose to this life.

Of course knowing something intellectually and knowing it from within my core are two very different things. And those moments of insight and connection come few and far between. I'm trying to align my mind and heart.  It is a lot harder than it seems.  So somewhere in the back pages of my subconscious I still think that I have the power to find something in this world to fill me up.  To make me whole.  Isn't that interesting, all it takes is a "w" to go from hole to whole.  Now if I can just get it through to my subconscious that the Universe is my "w". I've tried to use alcohol, sex, money, food, clothes.... all to fill that space. None of them really work. Why am I compelled to repeat patterns that I know do not succeed?

I think fear keeps me repeating my old ineffective patterns.  For me fear is the great thwarter of life.  Fear stops me in my tracks.  I read somewhere that fear is the anticipation of pain and if we can let go of that anticipation we can experience the freedom of infinite possibilities.  Perhaps those words alone are muting my chimes.  Perhaps the fear of truly living a life of infinite choices and directions is too much for this little human to handle.  It is not that I am afraid to fail, but that I am terrified to succeed.  What would I make of my life if I did not fear failure?

Imagine for just a moment that the entire Universe was love and light, and that this amazing energy was connected to everyone. And that by simply taking the next step and experiencing the next lesson awaiting us, we would truly be living at our highest potential. Now imagine all that is needed for this wondrous event to happen is for us to be still and listen. Listen to those chimes guiding us from experience to experience and lesson to lesson. We would be warm and safe in the knowledge that no harm would befall us. The fear of making the wrong step or taking the wrong path would melt away in the warm light of the Universe. I wonder if writing is my higher purpose. It calls to me in a manner that few other things do. Are the fairies in their infinite wisdom drawing me closer to my higher potential through writing?

When I write I feel this amazing energy surging through me. Confidence that I usually struggle to find fills me. In these moments of clarity and peace, I feel that I am functioning at my higher purpose. Words spill onto the page with ease and I communicate emotions that are buried within me. I can clearly see what is truth and what is fear in my life. Part of me yearns to write, to create something that touches the soul. The quest for self-knowledge calls to me. Ah, but there are bills to pay and insurance is so expensive, my daughter needs braces and rent isn’t free. How could I possibly leave my 9 to 5 job to pursue something so frivolous as my dreams?  But I don't have to quit my job in order to do a little writing. That is just fear pulling me back from taking a leap.  I should just jump and have faith that the net will appear. I have the ability to experience the freedom of infinite possibilities . . . where do I start?    Perhaps this story that I am sharing with you is my first step.

Wait, did you hear that?  I know that sound.  I definitely heard a <ding>!